Trigger warning: spicy post alert!
It’s been a while since I’ve posted something of the bedroom nature, but tonight, the PG content stops here.
If you’re squeamish about all things sex, here’s your chance to get out before you get your panties in a bunch.
Orrr…. Keep reading for the post we have all likely NEEDED at some point in our stable relationship lives.
If you’ve been paying attention, you know our summer has been anything but relaxing. With travel, the move-in, a long commute for Anthony, and the grind of back to school, conditions haven’t exactly been ideal for adult playtime. And as a woman with the sex drive of a 20-something male, it’s not easy to admit we’ve fallen into a bit of a rut. The logistics of day-to-day life and parenting has definitely taken its toll. I mean, how are we supposed to screw three times a day when eating three meals and showering is barely a priority?
Now, I know - we’re not 21 anymore - fresh, feisty, and full of energy. We have responsibilities and children, all of which make it infinitely more complicated to bang. I fully acknowledge that my expectations for our sex life are not always realistic (often rivaling Danielle Steele plot lines). However, I also know that I refuse to let our sex life die, or even temporarily linger, in this desert we seem to be currently residing in.
I could have conducted a questionable (at best) Google search for tips on how to set our bed afire again (one I’d be sure to delete from my browsing history later, so my tech-savvy middle schooler didn’t stumble upon it). But in this case, Google was not the expert I needed. No. Instead, I worked my contacts and collectively came up with a curated list of tips to help your bedroom boredom get a reboot. Here’s what my Sexy Time Think Tank came up with:
Time for a scene change!
OK, you’re not shooting a porno and you won’t need a leather couch in some poorly decorated 80s-esque bedroom. But change up the location. Whether you book a hotel for the night, get frisky in the kitchen while making dinner, or opt for the backseat of the car circa your junior year of high school, leave behind your norm. This does two things (from what I’ve gathered): potentially removes you from a location where your brain is bogged down by the To Do list and your daily life stressors and also injects a turbo boost of excitement if you switch it up somewhere public or risque. Apparently there’s something to the whole danger of getting caught thing (I plead the fifth).
Ditch the duds.
Don’t come at me for this one. But there are some days where the messy bun and yoga pants just aren’t going to get the job done. Go shopping (personally, I love Adore Me’s collections - affordable, amazing quality, and more size inclusive than VS). Pick out something you feel sexy in or even take your partner with you for the field trip and have him/her pick something out for you to wear.
But whether it’s a plain white tee and boy shorts or a red lace teddy, OWN THAT SHIT. Kids in bed? Cover up the lady bits with a robe and drop it like it’s hot when you walk in on his Netflix binge session. I find it hard to feel sexy when I’m in full Mom mode. So sometimes putting on lingerie reminds both of us - him and me - exactly why you were so hot for each other to begin with. Plus, sometimes it’s fun to see a partner physically salivating.
Think outside the box (ha, do you see what I did there?)
Full disclosure, I’ve never been one for routine when it comes to my sex life. I love spontaneity and cannot stand what I refer to as “scheduled” sex. You know, the kind where you pencil it in on the calendar once a week, around 10 p.m., once everyone’s in bed for the night? Nope - not my style. Give me 2 p.m. in between cutting the grass and running kids to practice. But beyond that, don’t be afraid to deviate from your norm in other ways. Try new positions (check out this list for inspo), places, times, or incorporate toys (I can provide suggestions upon request, including my personal favorite: a feisty little Bluetooth gal controlled via an app). Which leads me to the next point…
Sometimes, to reignite the flame, you have to re-establish intimacy. And to do that, you have to trust each other and be open to communicating your wants, needs, and desires. Judgment free. Don’t be afraid to express what you really want, are open to trying, are curious about, and what you need in order to get the job done. That could mean you need a good morning kiss, more help around the house, an established date night, or more adventure (from watching porn together to floggers and feathers).
Quality not Quantity
When all else fails, spend TIME together. Yes, I see Anthony. We live together now, so in theory, I should spend quite a bit of time with him. But the reality of our schedules doesn’t give us a whole lot of overlap. We’re a bit of ships passing in the night. Which is why when we can spend time together, it’s important we do it consciously and make sure we’re both really present and engaged in each other’s company. I can’t tell you how many nights we’ve spent on opposite ends of the couch, engrossed in our phones, scrolling endlessly on Facebook, or falling asleep mid-cuddle. And I know that when the day has been overwhelming or I’m overstimulated from the kids, it’s difficult to want to put in the extra effort. Which is why, if you’re like us, it’s so important to find time to connect and show affection. To exist as a couple, not as parents. Remember, you once dated and actually liked spending time together.
When all else fails, kick them to the curb and buy a damn good vibrator. Kidding. Kind of. Am I saying you should end a relationship purely because you’re not getting any? No, hardly. But, I DO firmly believe that sexual compatibility is a MUST in any relationship. So if the dry spell turns into a dry season or a dry year, it might be time for a heart-to-heart and some of that open communication I was referring to in the post above. Don’t be afraid to seek out a mediator in this department if the conversation seems to stall out. There are plenty of trained professionals out there way more qualified than me, that’s for sure.
This is obviously NOT an extensive list, by any means. And I’m sure some of you could come up with some very colorful suggestions. So, I’m listening. As are many of our other readers, I’m certain. Don’t leave us hanging. Post your pro tips in the comments. Please, the cobwebs accumulating in my undercarriage beg of you!